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My attempt at the Onion

Faux Onion Headlines by Luis de la Cruz

  1. Zack Braff Screens Garden State to Dinner Party Guests

  2. Ex-boyfriend: ‘One more call will do the trick’

  3. Study: Climate had it coming

  4. Romney to Run For Student Council

  5. Local waitress only in it for the phone numbers

  6. Election 2008: Obama 45 – USC 10

  7. Terry Gross sex tape leaked

  8. Marijuana Linked to Orange Fingers

  9. Gatorade Unveils World Cup Inspired Flavors, Mexican Chipotle and Ivory Coast Tap Water Top Sellers

  10. Vatican to Host X-Games

  11. Niel deGrass Tyson canonized at SXSW

  12. ‘Trend Bucking’ Maroons Thousands of Hipsters in Iowa

  13. Rachel Ray Releases Menstrual Blood Inspired Dishes

  14. Local Teens Commemorate D-Day with Selfie

  15. Maya Angelou Makes a Comeback This Fall on NBC

  16. Local Dad Goes Undercover as Gas Station Attendant for a Few Years

  17. Candidate Obama Travels to Future, Bitch Slaps President Obama

  18. Afro-Cuban Beats Rediscovered by NPR Producer

  19. US Soccer Team Exercises 2nd Amendment, Guns Down Japan in 54th Minute

  20. Gas Station Clerk Clenches Buttocks, Shits Pants

  21. Christ Gunned Down Outside 7-11

  22. Porn Star Avery Glass Threatens to Tongue Punch Assholes

  23. Discovery Channel Cancels ‘Man vs Herpes’

  24. Area Prick Buys Audi

  25. ‘Condoms Ruin the Mood’ Claims Teenage Father of Two

  26. Pathological Liar Wins Senate Race

  27. 7 out of 10 White Males Chose Wealthy Racist for President

  28. Mad Men / Game of Thrones Cross-Over Promises more Smoking, Incest

  29. FDA Levies Stiff Fines for Cock Sucking

  30. City of Austin Receives 323 Area Code

  31. Patrick Swayze Returns for Must See TV

  32. Estranged Best Friend Feigns Interest by Liking Friends Profile Pics

  33. Area Teen Meets Local Woman Somewhere Nearby

  34. Ugly is the New Black

  35. Congress Returns from Recess for Naptime

  36. House-sitter Knows Where You Keep Your Porn

  37. Austin:  Irony Reserves Reach Critical Levels, Hipsters Forced to Evacuate

  38. LA Beards Defeat Austin Mustaches in Sudden Death Overtime

  39. German Chancellor Angela Merkel Unveils Crotch

  40. US Military Taps Homeless Veteran for Hostage Rescue Operation

  41. Netanyahu Calls it “Tough Love”

  42. Teenage Boys With Erection 10 Times More Likely to Solve Equation on Chalkboard

  43. Pillow Fuckers, Local 1143, to Host Summer BBQ

  44. Thriller Remake to Feature Michael Jackson’s Corps

  45. Mason Jar Craze Sweeps Rural Uganda

  46. Local Polygamist Weighs in on Furgueson Debacle

  47. OJ Simpson Accepts Ice-Bucket Challenge

  48. Hot Beef Injection Covered by Obamacare

  49. NRA Program to Teach Inner City Youth Safe Gun Handling Techniques

  50. Niel deGrass Tyson Flops at Renaissance Fair

  51. Science Fair: Vladimir Putin gets Honorable Mention for 5th Strait Year

  52. God’s Ted Talk Series Unbearable

  53. George W. Bush Back-Packs Jellystone

  54. Michelle Obama Chips in 5 Bucks in Hopes of Meeting the President

  55. DJ Pube takes on DJ Lice in Scratch Off

  56. Mafioso Tony “Two Dicks” Monzano dies at 83, had Two Dicks

  57. Obama and Biden take Bank Heist Talents to Bolivia

  58. Rick Perry Infiltrates Juarez Cartel as Mariachi

  59. Unemployed Boyfriend Orders ‘Just a Salad’

  60. Local Racist Tapped for Commencement Speech

  61. Palestine: ‘US Undergraduate Petitions Our Only Hope’

  62. Hipster Separatists Claim Buffalo Exchange as Fighting Intensifies

  63. 30-some LA Faliure Traces Misery to ‘Intro To Film’ Course

  64. LA Transplants Discover Round Rock Isn’t “Exactly” Austin

  65. Reservoir Dogs Poster Elevates Resident Advisor to “Cool” Status

  66. Wes Anderson and ACL Referenced at LA Hipster Party

  67. Madison: Hipster Party Captivated by Friend’s Tales of Austin

  68. Austin Defense Forces Bury LA Transplants in Mass Grave

  69. Guy Who Spent One Semester in Israel Ten Years Ago Weighs in On Current Events

  70. Gourmet Saltine Cracker Food Truck Craze Sweeps South Austin

  71. Obama’s ‘Iraq III’ Goes Straight to Video

  72. Austin: ‘No Skinny Jeans On the Ground’ Declares Obama as Airstrikes Pummel Hipster Bunkers

  73. Homeless Local 4332 Hosts Photo Shoot for Community College Photography Students

  74. Verb ‘Pens’ Replaces ‘Writes’, Elevates Freshman Mid-Term Paper

  75. 8 Ways to Tell if Your Spouse is Ready for Your Machete

  76. Disney’s ‘The Butler’ Really Puts Things in Perspective

  77. New Mexico: Palestinians to Air Drop Humanitarian Aid to Navajo Nation

  78. Local Mom Discovers Cum Rag

  79. Highway to Danger Zone Closed for Repairs

  80. Captain America demoted to Lieutenant after Sick-Leave-Abuse Scandal

  81. Scents of Fall Come Alive in Uncle’s Crotch

  82. Attractive Area Receptionist Can’t Wait to Sleep With You

  83. ISIS LinkedIn Postings hit Record Low

  84. Bible Themed Orgy Comes to Albuquerque

  85. Area Pawn Shop Offers Hope and Quick Cash to Minorities

  86. Local Conservative Crosses Canned Food Drive Off Bucket-List

  87. Study: Less Minorities = Less Crime

  88. Christ's Stand-Off Enters 3rd Week

  89. Homeless Couple Saves Edible Panties for Thanksgiving

  90. 9/11 Orgy Sets a New Tone

  91. Area Boyfriend Finally Sends Cock Pic

  92. Hispanic Black Caucus Loves Black Hispanic Cock

  93. Area Loner Describes Himself: “Shy at first, but I open up once I show you my pistol”

  94. Father Oblivious to his 3 Inch-Long Nose Hairs

  95. Dallas: Christ Takes Credit for Yet Another Touchdown

  96. Bruce Wayne Lists 5 More Rooms on Craigslist

  97. Sexual Innuendo Dooms First Date

  98. Oreo Reference Edited from MLK’s Dream Speech Claims Historian

  99. SXSW Introduces Mortgage Refinance 3-Day Pass

  100. Procrastinators Convention Postponed Yet Another Year

  101. Study: Homeless More Likely to be Well Read, Smell Like Urine

  102. Writer Given 3 Days to Live Succumbs to Writer’s Block

  103. Couple's Date Night Ends in Three-Way with Babysitter

  104. Elderly Voters Struggle To Find Bible Versus on Ballot

  105. Afghanistan: Baptist Missionaries Annoyed with Local Woman’s “I vote the Koran” T-Shirt

  106. Non-voting Texans Turn Out in Record Numbers to Say “I Told You so”

  107. Klu Klux Klan’s Winter Style Catalogue Deserves a Second Look

  108. Satanic Ritual Watered Down by Fred’s PowerPoint

  109. Drunken Rant Saves Marriage

  110. Struggling 42-Year-Old Pizza Delivery/Playwright Settles for Blowjob

  111. Consumer Price Index Re-Adjusted for Rising Price of Freedom

  112. Pro-Walmart Separatists Abandon Peace Talks

  113. Californian Trandplants Shocked to Discover Austin Surrounded by Texas

  114. Pro-Walmart Rebels Seize Countryside

  115. Pretentious Nephew Accepted to Stanford

  116. Double Parked Asshole Actually a Nice Guy

  117. Royal Caribbean Lifts “No Anal” Ban

  118. Local 30-Year-Old Sees Best Friend Like Sister, Until He Fucks Her

  119. Family Thanksgiving Politics Discussion Features Candor, Middle Finger

  120. Butt Sex Now Available in Vanilla

  121. Jesus Depressed Over Latest Yelp Review

  122. Struggling Artist Finds Niche in Bathroom-Stall Penis Art

  123. Jesus Concedes Early as Reagan Wins in Landslide

  124. Nations Television Gear Up for End of Semester

  125. Bumper Sticker Forces Liberal To Question “Liberal Media”

  126. Prison:  Catching Up on Reading Abandoned After Third Rape

  127. Unread Bob Dylan Biography Celebrates Third Year on Nightstand

  128. Bolivia: Obama and Biden Gunned Down After Month long Bank Heist Spree

  129. Hillary Opens Food Truck in South Austin

  130. Baby Shower Graced by Real Father’s Cameo

  131. Local Feign Quits Smoking, Switches to Cock

  132. Inattentive Boyfriend Nods in Agreement

  133. Concert Tickets Redeem Verbally Abusive Husband

  134. Delusional Woman Considers Herself ‘One of the guys’

  135. Guy With Beard Issued Plastic Rim Glasses, Sweater, and Pasty Short Haired Girlfriend

  136. President Obama Pardons Ugly Family

  137. Ironic T-Shirt Shortage Sends Hipsters Into Frenzy

  138. Carpet Matches Drapes, Reports Best Friend

  139. Republicans Oppose Obama’s Executive Action on More Sunshine

  140. Choosy Moms Choose Jiff, and sleeping with Best Friend behind Husband's Back

  141. ‘Love Actually’ and ‘Blood Diamond’ Top Charts for Holliday Family Viewing

  142. City Morgue Now Open for School Field Trips

  143. Woman Suffrage ‘Just a Fad’ Claims Local Conservative

  144. Michelle Obama Tired of ‘Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome’ Bedroom Roll-play

  145. Budget Cuts Eliminate 10th, 11th, and 12th Steps from 12 Step Program

  146. Punching Spouse Solves Mounting Credit Card Debt

  147. Ron Paul Revolution Now Available on X-Box 360 and Playstation

  148. ‘Jive’ Setting Now Available on iPhone

  149. Master's Degree required for FaceBook posts

  150. Gov. Rick Perry to Deport 2500 Hipsters to Los Angeles

  151. LGBT Deity Accepts Inevitable Epithet

  152. Christ Evicted

  153. Nation’s 4-year-old's Demand More Glitter

  154. Texas: ‘Too Liberal’ Claims Text Book Publisher After Firing Christ

  155. Heaven: Khakis and Yellow Polo’s on Back-Order

  156. Cubans Anxious to Finally have Holiday Debt

  157. CIA Admits Using Apple Cinnamon Candles During Interrogations

  158. Christ to Sign Books from Noon - 4 at ‘Book People’ off Highway 42

  159. Christmas Comes Early for Congolese Rebels

  160. Texas to secede from universe

  161. Local Nympho Puts Homeless Man to Task: "...Says he'll do anything"

  162. Budget Nixes Bar Fights, Strange Sexual Encounters, and Grand Theft Auto from Summer Road Trip

  163. Area Beer Snob Limited to Two Daily Uses of the Word "Lambic"

  164. Local Woman's Separation Announcement Green-lights "Best-Friend" to Fuck Her

  165. 46 yr old Taco Bell Cashier Hates You

  166. Bipolar Divorced Husband Granted Full Custody of X-Box

  167. Passive Aggressive Office Women of America (PAOWA) Leaves Poignant All Caps Letter for Restaurant Staff

  168. Post-It to Release Pre-Printed "Kick Me" Notes with Fabric Adhesive

  169. Jewish jewelry Store Owner Wakes Up Ready to Fulfill Sterotype

  170. United Friends of America, Local 344, Demands More Benefits from Friendship

  171. 10 year old Sudanese Boy Crosses Eating off Bucket List

  172. High School Text Books to be Issued by Force, Returned with Pleasure

  173. Magic Johnson Releases Two More Hostages

  174. Joe Biden's "Biden Buds" Now Carries Afghan Kush

  175. Suggestion Box Director Finding it Hard to Justify Position

  176. Conscientious Rapist Uses Only the Best Condoms

  177. City of Austin to Execute 5 Hipsters Per Day Until Demands Are Met

  178. Area Barmaid Looking Forward to Post Shift Hot Pocket, Gang Bang

  179. Sudoku Book Survives Road-Trip Untouched

  180. Horrified Area Mom Discovers Porn Collection Behind 13 yr old's Loaded AR-15

  181. Talking Robot Movie Riddled with Historical Inacuracies

  182. Farmer's Daughter Tired of Waiting for Three Travelers to Stay in Barn

  183. Fallen Soldiers to be Calculated into Price of Gas

  184. S&M Community to Nation: 'This is gonna hurt us more than it hurts you"

  185. Area Politician Accepts Soft Money for Hard Cock

  186. Hipster Parade Postponed Due to Insufficient Funds, Dads to be Called

  187. Jesus and Moses Walk Into a Bar, Mohamed Abstains

  188. Waldo finds Carmen San Diego

  189. Evangelical Church Cancels Weekly Flagellation Due to Low Turnout

  190. Local teens Give New Home to Railroad Crossing Sign

  191. "Cat-Piss n' Cigarette" Scented Candle Big Seller in Rural South

  192. Hillary 2020 goes strait to video

  193. Biden to keep White House keggerator, "these suds are mine bro!"

  194. Trump wins Presidency, "What a buzzkill" claims Biden

  195. Trump action figure comes with kung-fu crotch grip

  196. Jerry Springer guests decide 2016 election

  197. Local eatery runs out of wall space for road signs

  198. Therapist Utilizes Revolutionary Cell Phone Throwing Anger Management Technique

  199. Nancy Pelosi Email Deleted

  200. Developer Promises to Local Ghetto: Coffee shops, High End Boutiques, Evictions

  201. Pedophile's Gripping Memoir a Best Seller

  202. Million Bro March Depletes DC Metro Area Protein Reserves

    203. Electric Avenue to take visitors higher

    204.  Waiters at Indian restaurant admit to speaking gibberish

    205. Shwag makes a comeback

    206. Congress Returns For Must See TV

    207. 13-year-old Theodore Ingram Traver-Smith loves writing his initials

    208. Guy with Griffindor T-shirt is fucking your wife

    209. Peruvian Government cracks down on Machu Pichu selfies 

    210. Climate change forces hipsters to ration kambucha

    211. Local Bank sweetens debt purchase, throws in new car. 

    212. Biden sent up river in Navy PT boat to terminate Trumps command

    213. Pilates instructor winging it

    214. LGBTQ community to add "P" to Acronym for no apparent reason

    215. CS Lewis eaten by lion

    216. Exposing ones genitalia in public, unconstitutional

  203. Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse to Trump: Easy Bro, Not Yet

  204. Unionized Employees with Don't Tread On Me flags fired, tread on

  205. Memory Foam Pillow Distracts Nation from Calamity

  206. Trump's 'Bourne Supremacist' playing in select cities

  207. Ken Burns' War on Christmas available on Netflix

    208. Thoughts and Prayers now available on IOS  

    209. Trump Screens West Side Story, bones up on Puerto Rico

    210. Student to Mom: Now is not the time to discuss my grades. 

    211. Bananas balance out beer and funion shopping basket  

    212. Athletes Kneel for papa johns commercial